deep thought with penguincat

[penguincat]

I don't really have other forums I visit where I can ask for advice so yeahs.

As some of you can tell by the rant thread's size I'm not really what you would call happy very often. Normally when I am something bad happens. Like something says no penguincat no happy for you.

So in the last few week and a week I have gotten bored of one person. This is what he said about me on facebook after I left. (note I used to subscribe to him on youtube.)

The guy: Usually not fussed when people unsub but Penguincat was the guy who literally GOT me my capture card, no idea why he left, was a really nice guy. Seriously is a shame D:
A reply from someone else: Maybe something happened to his account? Or did he message you and legit just tell you he's unsubbing?
The guy: Nope just up and left, removed me from skype, steam and everything. Just really, really odd.. Pretty sure I didn't do anything I don't always do video-wise.
Some person who replied before: Huh, that is kinda strange. Sorry bro. :/

I saw a lot of potential in the guy so I donated him some money so he could buy a less stressful capture card. (his one would crash and blue screen.) (He also reminded me of what I was like 8 years ago.)
But now he is getting a youtube partnership. So I did also feel he no longer needed me around. That id try and repeat with someone else.

Now today I feel like deleting myself from a few places. eg deleting accounts from ustream, justintv, facebook, youtube, and my twitter. Anything that I have mentioned the name penguincat basically.
Why you ask? Well the thing any time I am unhappy over something that's what I do. I try and delete every trace of me.
Kinda why I have gone though several msn email addresses. even Yahoo messenger accounts.
I changed my username to penguincat because well crap happened and I wanted to change identities.

Why is it that I decide, you know what bye bye?? Like I messaged the guy I left on youtube I get sick of things people, games, tv shows you name it super easily.
My longest friend on the internet is like ~4 years. Even then its rarely that we talk. Last I heard they were moving again and wouldn't be getting the internet for a while. From all the spamzors on facebook I guess they are back.

The current thing is I found this cute girl and started talking to for a while now. She is like perfect. Today that I find out she has a boyfriend never mentioned to me that she had one.
Even though I had no shot with her anyway she lives a world away. (Also I don't think its even worth looking for a relationship at all my longest one is like 2 months the other 2 where 1 month.)

I used to care if some girl would got a partner but now its like meh whatever. If I felt lied to then block and do something else. But really seems odd that for some reason her relationship is so secretive.
Now I feel like the typical idiot. Well if there was a rocket to the sun leaving tomorrow id say yes I'll go. Maybe I can ask NK about being in their missile program.

So yeah what do I do differently? I'm half tempted to talk less to everyone as not to bother anyone as things never end well.

[EBchamp]

I'm glad you feel like we're a community you can talk to about this.

As far as the YouTuber goes, I guess you could've stayed subscribed to him and everything else, but what's done is done. You don't know him in real life right? So you don't have any tie to him except through the internet, and if you got tired of him then oh well, shit happens. I'm sure he'll move on from it and so will you. I don't think there's any need to restart though.

Now, for the girl, it sucks that she never told you she was in a relationship, but like you said, you didn't think anything would happen because she lives across the world. Do you enjoy talking to her as a friend? If so, you could keep the friendship going, but I know that can be tough if you have feelings for her. I'm sure the right person will come along some day!

I think the one problem is you're a very giving person but you don't think anything is given back to you. Maybe don't be as free willing to give out something. I wouldn't worry so much about a lot of the smaller things. Try to see the good things in your life and make every day count. I'm sorry if I sound like a psychiatrist, just trying to give you some feedback. I hope this helps!

[penguincat]

With the youtuber as I messaged him after the message on his facebook page appeared that I know I could have stayed subscribed to him but really why. I have re added the guy to skype not sure about steam. But yeah if I wasn't watching anything it would just be a inflated subscriber account on his behalf. He has 800 now.

With the girl generally I would have deleted all accounts by now. But yeah I haven't. I spend most of the night listening to radiohyrule with the lights off. I had 3 nightmares and was only sleeping for 40mins at a time.
So I don't know maybe I could still be friend with her??? But really will be doubtful that I'll want to message her though. Which makes it pointless having her on any contact lists.

To be honest I think I missed out on the girl for me. Kinda the reason why I want someone to invent a time machine. As I want to see if I was right or not. Which is most likely screwing things up.

These how my relationships have ended
1st one. age 19 I think I moved interstate. (well turned out visited) the person I was staying with accused me of stealing $700. So kicked me out.
The girl I was seeing told me to go home as she wasn't worth it. Plus my income was 120$ a month at that stage. So yeah not much choice. 1 month

2nd age 20. one from what I understand cheated on me and only wanted money. 1month after she spent all my money.

3rd age 23. she just drive me insane. She was a 26 year old kid I'm bored why can't we go out to x? If I wanted to go to y no that's boring.
Also she wanted me to move in with her after 3 weeks. Also said what names do we call our kids after 2weeks. Also she hated penguins. We also had a clash of other things. Her and her family where super religious and well I kinda isn't. 6 weeks.

I sure can pick them..

[EBchamp]

If you were tired of the guys videos and didn't feel like you needed to support him then you did the right thing. There's no reason you should feel like you owe this guy anything.

It's up to you in the end if you want to keep in contact with this girl. If it was more of a hopeful thing that something could happen between you two then let it go.

It stinks that the girls you've seen haven't worked out, but very rarely will the first one be the right one. There's plenty of fish in the sea.

[penguincat]

I am puzzled where the decent girls are in my city. I personally doubt any even existed here. A-lot want you to pay for there mistakes. I'm actually thinking of becoming a crazy cat person instead. (other then I can't own a cat here.)

[EBchamp]

Not every girl could be that way there (or maybe they can).

You could become a crazy penguin & cat person, then you would truly be penguincat!

[penguincat]

Bad tv. I was watching a show that pretty much had what my last week was like in it. They ended up doing the remove all trace road. So it started me thinking maybe I do the same? It was good enough for fictional tv characters... But I didn't I'm just not using facebook/twitter to talk to anyone for the foreseeable future.

I think I may just not watch any more (or not any new ones) gaming streams if I feel like watching something I'll watch the 24/7 cat cam I found months ago.
You guys needed a cat. Cat cam currently has 335 viewers also one of the only things on ustream that is clear for me. lol

[EBchamp]

I think you're just being paranoid, there's no need to hide.

A cat might've worked, but some people are allergic to them...

[penguincat]

A toy cat fixes that.

[EBchamp]

Haha that's true. If a toy cat would've given us more viewers we would've done that a while ago.

[penguincat]

Did you at-least try getting a cat toy?

I forgot to say. I'm one of the most paranoid people on the planet. If I go outside I'm paranoid with at-least one of the following.

1. That my house will burn down.
2. That I will be bashed up.
3. That if I'm at the shops with someone that they will randomly leave me behind. Or if I'm there by myself that the bus or train will take me to some odd place.
Also kinda the reason why I never got a car license as I'm paranoid that I'll run into someone.
If I knew you in person id actually continue the list. So yeah there is more a-lot more.

[EBchamp]

No we never tried...

Let me ask you, have any of those things ever happened to you? I'm not saying it can't happen, but you can't live your life in fear of something that may not even happen. I know it's easier said then done, but you only live once. You should enjoy life as much as you can, and I'm sure being paranoid constantly isn't much fun.

[penguincat]

1. no.
2. no with a few buts. I came close several times I was walking home from the bus stop when I was 14 or so. There were 5 or 6 people in my front yard swearing and being all threatening. The night before I looked out my window at the house a across the street and there was a girl changing in the window. (apparently curtains weren't on there must own list.) Wouldn't have looked for longer then 10 seconds even then I looked outside to see what they were up to not the fact because there was a half nude person their. Takes me about 20 seconds to actually be able to see things.
If my friend didn't decide to come over for a visit I feel I would have been bashed for sure. We looked a like so feel they couldn't have said oh it was you.
When I was at a LAN thingy with a gamer group from my city I had a guy be all threatening towards me for no reason. Kinda the reason why I stopped visiting the forum and there gaming thingys.
3. Yes first part did happen. When I was younger like ~11 years old me my dad and sister went shoe shopping as my shoes broke. My sister decided it was her time to spend hours shopping for herself. Most of it was trash that she didn't need. So I kept getting crabby at her.
To the point my dad walked away. We originally thought to the other side of the store 20mins later we knew he had left. He ended up going home having a few smokes and then came back. Total time with out him about a hour. I still didn't end up getting shoes....
2nd part of 3 I keep having recurring dreams where I have gotten a bus or train and become lost. Problem with me is I have problems telling what is real and what isn't.

[EBchamp]

2. At least you haven't been bashed yet. Yeah you never know what could happen, but if you just watch yourself and make sure you're not in bad areas at the wrong time then you should be fine.

3. That was when you were much younger though. Now you're a grown man so even if somebody left you you can find your way home.

[penguincat]

With 2. I kinda live in the worse spot. I live walking distance from a bar taven pub thing. Not uncommon for drunks and that to walk around looking for trouble.
Some of the shops near by have been held up at knife or gun point. 1 was at 7pm at night wasn't really even dark. They ended up changing their opening hours to daylight only

But to go on the original story. While looking at charity auction stuff particularly a a jewelled cat I kinda remembered something. I was thinking who could I give this to oh the person who said they were a crazy cat lady now who was it.
The girl said something about being a crazy cat lady. Single with 2 cats on my way of becoming a crazy cat lady. Like a couple of months ago.
If it is in-fact only a new thing that she is dating this guy like in the last month then well I'm happy and no longer feel guilty.
I should be fine talking to her. But if it is a big web of cookie crumbs then I feel that I will delete her.